Gravity--how things have changed

Oh I forgot to mention how things have changed as mentioned in my last post! Even though I said next post I would be going through some foundational things when exploring the topic of biblical womanhood....I meant the NEXT, NEXT post...lol!

Well right now, I think God is really softening my heart...at times I say to myself: I am ready. You know?...to be found. Some times I am sure I know what I want, other times I don't know what I deserve, other times I don't know what I desire and then other times I am confident in what I want. All over the place right? Other times, I am like, ok Ashlee, no you're not!...you have to get this and this together and be as close to perfect in order to "be" ready. However, we ALL know that will not happen until Christ himself comes back and I'll be made like Him. No one is perfect and my good friend and married woman, Norma Jean said it best and put it all in perspective when encouraging me: "I thank you for you who you WERE and who you ARE---i'm not worried about the rest right now :) just like the song says that's out right now, by JJ Heller "Love me for me" "to love me for who l am not what I will become!" I'm not pressed about the extra, God isn't either! Don't think you must become a close to perfect person :-)  Marriage brings upon great opportunities to grow in Christ..." 


I am taking that advice all in. It can be implied in my reference to an old post in the last post...my heart is doing push-ups, laps, some extreme "cardio" (hahaha get it?...*crickets*...) for being vulnerable and placing it out there. It doesn't seem that far of a conception now either. I say that is progress? Don't you?

This is one of my favorite songs and songwriters. It is amazing how such beautiful songs are adapted out of a heartbreak or at least it is said she wrote this after a break up.  Of course parts of this song reminds me of the love that Jesus has for me. It also reminds me of that initial "attraction" where you're "liking" the person and its completely against your will. No matter what you do that person seems to present themselves in your thoughts. It is a phenomena but at the same time it makes all the sense just like "gravity."

Shaping an Apologetic for Biblical Womanhood

Womanhood and in particular, biblical womanhood has been very appealing to me lately and I have gained a passion toward redefining it and reviving it, especially in my community.  Well what does "my community" look like? Black single parent homes, male roles are assumed by the female, pop-culture is nurturing our young women and many also assume the role of bitter, anti-black man or anti-man (until the next one comes along and breaks her heart) strong, hear-me-roar woman...and especially in my circle I see this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jamfKOqkAFQ

In a book, I am reading (for fun, WOW...lol..go me)! Women's Ministry in the Local Church by Ligon Duncan and Susan Hunt, Susan Hunt answers it best on why the church needs an apologetic on biblical womanhood...because I think it is over looked. She says: " Biblical womanhood and worldly womanhood are radically different just as everything about the Christian life is counter cultural, and counterintuitive. Without a biblical apologetic for womanhood, individual women and women's ministries will lose their way." 

Things have changed since my last post--which I deleted but here is a snippet--not really a snippet because I am LOOOOOONNNNGG WINDED--but it gives life to this "issue:" 

"Also what has drawn to me to writing about relationships is because I had two distinct instances where I had a strong awareness--where time actually stood still and I viewed life as if I was viewing it under a microscope. One instance, was when I was preparing for my high school small group, I cannot recall what exactly what we were studying but I was thinking of an illustration to give them. All of sudden, I had a vision of a ginormous hand. I was at the center of the palm of this hand. I was a small little speck. Then I zoomed in and it was me looking around in amazement. I felt safe, secure, and every where I looked or ran there was the expanse of this hand. Sing it with me, " He's got the whole world in his hand..." No, it did however remind me that God has me. That is so reassuring and brings me such joy. Although, I was the only one on this hand, I was not alone. Which leads me to my next epiphany, which has gotten me in a little panic.

I was driving. Which I like to do. It's a stress reliever. I just ride with my music blasting. Even though it's probably some Jesus music (literally), people probably think I need some "16's" and hydraulics but, hey that is how I listen to my music. I digress. I came into the sudden realization that I have a major problem. It's a problem that deals with my sexuality ( no I am not gay..lol..I will break this down later) and my outlook on relationships. I concluded, that at the rate I am going and my present views may lead me to never marry, that I may be alone the rest of my life *wakes up in a night sweat* lol. Now, that may be a major problem in itself for some people. My problem? Is that I just may be OK with that....LOL! I looked around in my car...alone. I function much throughout the week alone. I live alone. I have no one to consult to ( besides parents, family, close friends). But much of my life functions in solitude. Gasp! I have no reservations regarding that. I could do it the rest of my life. How selfish! Now, don't get me wrong. I love people. I am around amazing people often. Those that know me, know I think community is very important. I have a lot of "friends" BUT At the end of the day, I'm alone. I guess the thing is that although I am alone, I am not lonely. That is primarily because of the illustration I gave previously : )

In light of this realization, that I could possibly be a spinster or a nun. I often get, why are you single? Umm...sheeez let me pull out my list of reasons why? Heck, I don't know. All I say is I am content, I am really in no place where my future boo has found me, I guess? I also get pressure...major pressure from family and friends. It is quite annoying actually. I go out to dinner with family and they try to hook me up with the waiter. Like I am some kind of "lost cause." Or I get, " I do want some nieces or nephews from you before I go away (DIE)." " I do want some grandchildren before you reach 40." Really? What the piss...? I am freakin' 25 years of age. What is the dern rush? Even in my previous ancient relationship, I still felt and functioned...alone(for several reasons). I just don't know any other life....lol. My friends who are married and have acquired this new ministry of marriage want to spread the joy of being married are always seeking ways in which to give me my "groove" back and always put me in the following situations: "Ashlee! That man just looked at you, I think he likes you." or " what about such and such, he would be great for you." or simply inviting a bachelor to an event in hopes that something will be sparked when in reality the boy is no where near my type. I love my family and friends and I am sometimes flattered by the "attention" ( or annoyed) I just don't have the energy.

This realization has also caused me to repent and to reshape my sexuality. Usually, when one refers to sexuality they refer to sexual orientation, sex, sexual immorality (i.e. homosexuality, masturbation, fornication, sexual paganism etc.) but we also neglect the components of sexuality that give rise to for instance, feminism or the "Jesus is my lover, the lover of my soul and I don't need a man-ISM." In Recovering Biblical Manhood & Womanhood by John Piper and Wayne Grudem by way of Harry Schaumberg, they write: " to say that our eyes image God, remember is not to say that God has eyes; it is rather to say that our eyes picture something divine. Similarly, our sexuality pictures God's attributes and capacities." So in this quest of seeking after God and trusting Him with my future and future mate, praying for God to redeem my past experience in poor relationships...I've lost my womanhood, my sexuality. Don't worry, I am not gay and I am very much feminine and enjoy being a WOMAN. But hear me out.

"So God created man to his own image of God he created him; male and female he created them ( Genesis 1:27, ESV). Therefore, everything a male or female images God, ALTHOUGH God is divine He is neither male or female. It's ok for me to be vulnerable and desire relationship with a godly man. It's ok to express my femininity and desire to be cherished. I say those things emphatically so they will be impressed on my mind  because sin has distorted my conception of my sexuality in that I am so neutral and so "into myself" that I've lost sight of what it really means to be feminine. Thinking that it is something wrong with that intuitive nature in me wanting to be cherished. I often time pick on these desperate females, especially those that are surrounded by my brothers-in-Christ. LOL, but now I have a new found respect for these women because at least they are coming into contact with their feminine side.

 I am very much a nurturer but I will also be quick to say that I am independent and if I needed something I don't need a man to hash out all my insecurities or push my dependency on--that's why I have Jesus. Even though overtly I do not resemble the very thing that I absolutely HATE about my mother--who is very much amazing ( but she's definitely not perfect) is her distorted role of femininity/womanhood. Growing up and even now she has never been much of sterotypical mother or description of an ideal mother. I actually got much of my nurturing growing up from my Grandmother and oddly enough Father. Don't get me wrong I get hugs and occasional kisses from my mother. But the good old warmth and constant nurturing lacked in my growing up. Not to mention, because of her quest of making a better life for my sister and I, and achieving her goals---the woman just worked a lot. Ordinarily, in certain contexts the man is the breadwinner or workaholic but this woman is the definition. She is a true black, renaissance woman. Which is very much positive and I even aim to be like her in certain of these aspects. However, it has also caused her to be somewhat 'controlling,' every dynamic of her life is modeled strategically and in an administerial role-from her dealings with her children ( which is why we bump heads sometime because I am my "own person"), family and even in her marriage. Praise God, she is married to a patient guy and they "tolerate" each other. Although, at one time before my stepfather got sick with cancer they both carried the household and both made a significant amount of "change." so salary has nothing to do with her distorted role, I think it may be how she was brought up. Also, a lot of black women her age are also like that...so who know's, maybe I will research one day. I tell her all the time, I would have a domestic violence charge if I were her husband LOL. I don't see her very vulnerable toward him or you know...submissive, girlish etc. I despise that! Because I think that no matter what!... a man should feel like he's THE man. I don't care if I make majority of the household income or have more degrees or can benchpress 150...he is MY MAN and HE will know that in EVERY way. I am thankful for growing up a in a household where I got to see the mother and father interact but there are a tons of sociological theories that can be derived out of my family, extended family etc. (LOL).

So the very thing that I despise, is being played out maybe not in the specific area like my mother's situation because you can ask any of the 2 boyfriends I've had in my life, how I act in a "relationship." They would probably say I was a pretty good girlfriend. (You say, well why aren't you with them)? Good question? Several reasons which will not be elaborated here. But they would. It is being played out in my flawed conception of my womanhood. I lost it. That is probably the very reason, I could see myself, alone for the rest of my life and be OK with it. Nothing is wrong with that...Paul was single. Single, celibate people can bring God a lot of glory. However, I do not think that is my testimony...lol. It could also be the reason, I desire to be "equal" with men, I hate feeling like the weakest link or getting the impression from a man as if I am not adequate or capable of thinking logical or  philosophical or heck change a tire. I do have an ounce of me that would like a family and children--to bring God glory that way. Plus, I also think I would make a pretty good wife and companion--I look forward to being a goofball with my husband for the rest of my life.

I repent. Praying that God redeem my conceptions, my sexuality, my past hurts, failed relationships, missed opportunities. Although, I may not ease up on the tunnel vision or expressly state that I desire to be cherished and be like Ezekiel's wife and be the DELIGHT of my husband's eye one day--I do acknowledge it. Plus, it is written here...it's official. I don't have to do or say it...it's here. HAHA!..." 

 Next post I'm taking a look at some foundational things to consider when getting into this topic.